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Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

Do you really want to hurt me?  Do you really want to make me cry?

From B. to me -- Nov. 2007

From B. to me — Nov. 2007

Precious kisses, words that burn me  /  Lovers never ask you why.

B. email 1/25/2008:  “The good thoughts are the many of you. I say my good nights and I hear my voice say a sweet good night to you. You provide a release and a tenderness that I crave. I hope that I satisfy you beyond the XXOO, as you satisfy me and keep me sane. I am ever so eager to see you, to hold you and have your body next to mine. Feeling the warmth of you and the light in your eyes as I push into you is a joy. Thank you. XXXOOOXXXXOOOOOXXXXOOOO”

Words are few that I have spoken  / I could waste a thousand years

B. email 7/2/2009:  “Time to sit down and write you a note on how important you are to me is a luxury that I have yet to find. As I go to bed and when I get up, you are in my thoughts, and even when I am fully dressed I think of you with love in my heart.”

Wrapped in sorrow, words are token  /  Come inside and catch my tears.

B. email 12/10/2007:  “Just one question: once I am first in you, that is pulled in with my balls nestled tight, do you want me behind you with my fingers circling your clit or above you with our tongues intertwined? Just wondering.”

Do you really want to hurt me?  Do you really want to make me cry?

You’ve been talking but believe me  / If it’s true, you do not know

B. email 2/25/2008:  “Sorry to dump this on you, but I am much to myself (one of my multiple problems) and it is hard to talk/write about any of this. I take great comfort in knowing that you listen and that you see the good in me. Just your willingness to be my lover is a tremendous source of nourishment for my soul (if we have such a thing) or, as I see it, to my sense of self.”

This boy loves without a reason  /  I’m prepared to let you go.

B. email 10/15/2013:  “We too are looking at a turn, and all the uncertainty that entails. While we are stepping back from being lovers, we are not stepping back from having a special connection. I cannot imagine we have parted ways. Our history is rich, and I expect to be sharing much with you in the days, months and years ahead.”

If it’s love you want from me then take it away  /  Everything is not what you see: It’s over again.

My email to B. 4/18/2012:

“Dear B.:

Thank you for mentioning the fucking.

That is what I am interested in. I no longer want to permit myself to fantasize about a potential future with you, I don’t want to hear/read any more gushiness or mush, either. The latter just fuels the former.

I feel too drawn into your family.

You are a fantastic father and I have learned lots about parenting from you. Thank you for that.

I have set my eyes on getting a job in and moving to Lexington. That is where I am happiest. Perhaps I can accomplish this if I don’t think too much about who or what I am leaving behind.

I just want to return to the friendly fucking aspect since I am able to easily compartmentalize that.

Please, no more mush and goosh. It is confusing and, well, kind of pointless, really. This — “we” — it’s just not going anywhere.

I think you understand.”

Do you really want to hurt me?  Do you really want to make me cry?

See/hear the fabulous Culture Club sing their 1983 hit here.

Categories: Affairs Infidelity Marriage Relationships Uncategorized

Tagged as:

Exit 4A

A former mistress (26 years, on-and-off) describes the good, the bad, and the ugly of her long-term affair. Conclusion: Affairs aren't necessarily destructive if kept in the correct perspective. Our experience enhanced BOTH our marriages.

That is, until his marriage ended and we began to love each other. When the affair morphed into a relationship, well, that's when it stopped being fun for me. We have now irrevocably split.

Lately I've been writing about the man who took his place in the "off" years of that 26-year-long affair. He was a dynamic sexual partner but we, too, now have irrevocably split.

These are our stories.

6 replies

  1. Love how you wrote this post with the song in there…great song BTW.

    Those are some serious texts… I would have a very hard time with that, I would be entirely drawn into him and unable to let go once that started.

    1. Thanks for commenting! (please “Like,” too, if you haven’t already…we all have egos!)

      Yes, I have both loving, and not-so-loving, emails dating back to 1996.

      And we were on-and-off with each other since 1987, so yes, I was “drawn into him.”

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