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Advice To His New Girlfriend From His Former Mistress



Congratulations, dearie. Now that you have moved in on my man, I thought you might appreciate these few words of warning. I’ve known B. 26 years; you’ve known him (what?) 9 months. Perhaps you will be better than me at spotting the warning signs when your relationship, too, starts rolling off the tracks and crashes in the dark tunnel of B.’s chicanery. Forewarned is forearmed.

He is a classic Narcissist. I’ve been doing a lot of reading up on narcissistic personality disorder, and boy, does his behavior pattern ever fit. You know that walking-on-eggshells feeling you’ve got now? Bingo. Classic. With B., it’s all about HIM: his wants, his needs, his agenda. Narcissists Charm (idolize) you, they Devalue (demoralize) you, then they Discard (dump) you. I’ve been there with B.  You are there with him now. 

He readily admits having difficulty saying “I Love You.” He blames that on his parents and his upbringing. You might hear him say things like, “You have my love.” And “You’re my truest love.” “There is love and we do have a share.” Or, “You are such a special girl.” Those “Three Little Words” stick in his mouth like English toffee. And they’ll be just as brittle.

He’s a commitment-phobe, ending both his 38-year marriage and our 26-year affair, both within months of each other. Even his brother is a divorcé. They say this pattern of “love ’em and leave ’em” runs in families. He gives up on the women closest to him. You’re the rebound girlfriend. Just remember that. Good luck.

He will use you up: emotionally, psychically, and physically. That’s what all narcissists do. B. takes, takes, takes, all the while putting you under his spell of how much he needs you. Yes, he needs you…to fill HIS needs. What about your own needs? He’ll never pay enough attention to you to know what they are….or to care. Watch for that vacant look in his eyes when your conversation shifts to something serious.

Be prepared to hear some cruel things. He called his now ex-wife “fat as a house” and told her, “I can’t walk by you, I have to walk around you.” And at Christmastime, too. Eegads. He told me she reminded him of his mother and was “too fat to fuck.” (I actually have emails from him relating such, as well as the terrible sequelae.) Those awful comments, and his inability to adequately apologize for such hurtful words, were the catalyst for his divorce. And after my third spine surgery, B. told me I was “too fragile,” yet he still tried to fuck me. Right: “fragile” enough to fuck. 

He’s cheap. He’s a multi-millionaire yet he’s never worked a day in his life for that fortune; it came from his Daddy’s investments. Large sums were put aside in trust funds for each of his kids so now you know where that air of entitlement comes from. Yet he is cagey about his wealth and not one you’d go to for a hand-out if you ever needed one.

He has no “touch.” One Christmas I gave B. a stocking full of goodies: nice little things that couldn’t be traced back to our affair. In an email several days later B. thanked me again for the gifts and my thoughtfulness, then proceeded to tell me he’d parceled them out to his kids’ and wife’s Christmas stockings. It’s as if the re-gifting wasn’t bad enough; the oaf actually TOLD me he did it. 

He apparently does not work and play well with others. Did he tell you he was fired from his last 3 jobs? Why do you think that is? Perhaps he’s not a team player. Perhaps he thinks he is smarter and better than anyone he works with. Maybe he’s a poor manager; maybe his bosses thought he was crass and obnoxious. But if he can’t hold down a job, how can he hold down a relationship? It all comes down to interpersonal skills: you either have them, or you don’t.

Categories: Affair Affairs Break-ups

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Exit 4A

A former mistress (26 years, on-and-off) describes the good, the bad, and the ugly of her long-term affair. Conclusion: Affairs aren't necessarily destructive if kept in the correct perspective. Our experience enhanced BOTH our marriages.

That is, until his marriage ended and we began to love each other. When the affair morphed into a relationship, well, that's when it stopped being fun for me. We have now irrevocably split.

Lately I've been writing about the man who took his place in the "off" years of that 26-year-long affair. He was a dynamic sexual partner but we, too, now have irrevocably split.

These are our stories.

8 replies

    1. Well, for a man with narcissistic personality disorder, it makes perfect sense. Since it’s always “about Them” they feel that they are absolutely entitled to the “wonderful women,” as you said. And since they are charmers, that’s how they get ’em!

  1. I don’t understand what kept you going back all those years? Certainly, these terrible things must have been evident after year seven or 12 or 20, etc. At some point, you knew. Or…did these things only surface after the 26-year mark? Did he have a sudden and dramatic change?

    1. All good questions, Mark. Yes, we had stops and starts over the 26 years, but I think each time we’d split up for a while we felt (sometimes one of us, sometimes both) that it was just “time. Like, maybe we needed a breather. I previously wrote a blog post called “Dog Day Afternoon” when we split for 2 years because he said he loved his dogs more than me. So, the character faults were there, were evident, but after a time then we’d get back together. We both Needed the affair. I never knew it was his narcissistic personality disorder that explained his faults, but I did feel something was “off” all along. It was not an abusive relationship by any means, but on reflection, I now can understand his behaviors. I almost feel sorry for his new gal, because she’s really in for a trip…

  2. I said this once in a public bathroom right before going to court with my ex… it turns out the girl was in the bathroom stall and heard me say all of his faults and was very pissed off.. Of course, I never did it again,..

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