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His Loss.

Used toysI’ve been thinking about loss. No, not the loss of my love affair with B. — Lord knows I’m over it and writing this blog has been cathartic in moving that process along. Nope, I’ve been thinking instead about HIS loss of me. Or losses I should say. B. lost so much in throwing me over for another woman.  He lost:

♦  A passionate, exuberant, and highly-sexually-charged lover. One who can suck a golf ball through a garden hose. Playful, demonstrative, adventurous, and freely able to orgasm under his touch. And, at times, tender, yielding, giving. I’m now pleasing another man and it is intense. It’s his loss.

♦  The perfect mistress. Discreet, clean, safe and, like B., married. Never wanting to ruin his marriage, the wife never knew about our 26 years (on-and-off) together until just before she filed for divorce…with me NOT the catalyst for the end of their marriage. I kept my mouth shut all those years, didn’t run in the same social circles as B. and his wife, didn’t want more than I already had. I was no Alex Forrest in “Fatal Attraction.” No, I deftly compartmentalized the affair and never inveigled myself into his personal life. His loss.

♦  A best friend. Someone who was always there to listen attentively and provide feedback, even when the topic — such as demanding kids and a difficult wife — became unbearably repetitious. I was still there. I never ran away. How much I listened and how much I lovingly and carefully mirrored back to him. His loss.

♦  A gal pal. Someone who B. relied on to prepare the occasional meal and who sewed his winter jacket back together. A companion at cooking class. A friendly but fierce competitor on the mini-golf course. Someone who delighted in seeing his dogs run free on a morning beach as much as he did. A fun, up-for-anything pal. His loss.

♦  A close confidant. Oh, the stories I heard about his wife’s pain during sex. Of one of his daughter’s off-lithium episodes. Of his other kids’ psychiatric and psycho-social woes. He talked; I listened to these horrid tales. I tried to understand and to help make sense of the craziness. His loss.

♦  Longevity. The affair spanned 26 years. His marriage ended at year 38. This May, B. will turn 63. He’ll never enjoy the longevity he had with spouse or me with anyone again. He may be with another woman, but I’m heartened knowing she can’t hold a candle to me. Yes, it’s his loss.

B. lost all this and so much more. I wonder if it ever enters his head how deficient he is now.

Categories: Affair Affairs Break-ups Memories Relationships

Tagged as:

Exit 4A

A former mistress (26 years, on-and-off) describes the good, the bad, and the ugly of her long-term affair. Conclusion: Affairs aren't necessarily destructive if kept in the correct perspective. Our experience enhanced BOTH our marriages.

That is, until his marriage ended and we began to love each other. When the affair morphed into a relationship, well, that's when it stopped being fun for me.

For 26 yrs we luxuriated in implicit Trust. When B. cheated on ME, it was the first time another person came into our relationship besides our respective spouses.

We have now irrevocably split.

11 replies

    1. I actually wonder about that. They say narcissists, once they’ve used you up, devalue & dumped you, move on and wipe their memory banks clean. I hold out little hope that I cross his mind. Thanks for reading & commenting!

  1. I often wonder that about my B as well. My therapist believes he is a narcissist and I wouldn’t doubt either that in his mind I am the devil (his wife did find out about us). In the end I lost great passionate sex but for him I was so much more. These men have really lost out big time.

    1. Thanks for reading and commenting, sassygirl. Putting our own losses aside and focusing on all that our former lovers have lost is an eye-opener, eh? It almost makes me feel sorry for them!

      1. Just for the hat trick I’ve decided the moral of the story is that men whose real names start with B are all charming, yet selfish assholes that you should never have an affair with 🙂 They all chose their paths and now they get to live with their regrets. While we……we get to move on stronger, happier and more amazing than ever! ;). That’s what I tell myself anyway lol.

  2. It may SEEM like neither you intended to ruin your marriages but it’s like water pressure. The toilet flushes and the shower flow goes down to nothing. You’d rather be dry and sort of dirty still than mostly cold and wet, standing in there For.so.long. He siphoned his love off to you. You siphoned your love off to him. Your respective marriages were doomed. Nothing gets clean with a trickle.

    Still, the pain must be intense. And for that, I wish you comfort.

    1. Actually my own marriage is going strong, and my husband now knows all about the affair because he, an attorney, defended me against ex-lover when he brought suit alleging I had been stalking him. Hubby and I won the lawsuit by miles. Thanks very much for reading and commenting.

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