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Square Peg, Round Hole

Square Peg Round Hole

Dear Ex-Lover:

You can’t force compatibility. In all our iterations, we ignored the fact that we simply aren’t right for each other. All we have in common is an obsession with hot sex (preferably with one another). In all other ways we are fundamentally different, and for years I turned a blind eye to those differences. Now that we have permanently gone our separate ways I am comfortable admitting that for years all we did was to force a square peg into a round hole. Our differences are ultimately insurmountable. Here are some.

Exhibit A.  Slumming It In Blue Collarville

Blue collarville

I’m a highly educated woman and appreciate men who are similarly educated. He was the first — and only — blue collar guy I’ve ever been involved with. The fact that he’s a tradesman doesn’t make him a bad person, or stupid. (He is neither.) It’s just another example of our incompatibility. His is a world to which I can not contribute, nor could he converse in mine. 


And those hands! Those rough, calloused, split-finger hands! Workingman’s hands. I HATED the feel of those ripped-up hands on my smooth body.

Exhibit B.  The Long And Short Of It 


He’s 5’6″ (when he stands very tall). I’m 5’9″ and much prefer guys my size or taller.  He had to raise up on tippy-toes to kiss me, and I could easily rest my head on his shoulder when hugging him. It always felt awkward, another “square peg/round role” scenario. I let it go on too long (no pun intended). Right now he’s seeing a gal who’s 5’3″. Probably  makes him feel like a big man.

Exhibit C.  Re-think The Ink 

I hate tattoos, Period. And it was definitely a turnoff to see his bicep emblazoned with something that looks like this:


That’s right, folks, it’s the Bachman-Turner Overdrive logo….that schlocky pop-rock band of the 70s. He inked it on his arm — as he once told me — to honor the band that introduced him to rock ‘n’ roll. He wondered why I never mentioned it or admired it. Just not my style, the ink OR the music. I thought it looked juvenile, just like…

Exhibit D.  You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet 

Wearing cartoon character shirts or pants: 


His bizarre “Alien vs. Predator” collection:


Or him dressed in his custom-made “Spider-Man” suit:


Yes, folks, custom-made. That suit cost him nearly a grand and he had the balls to wear it in public. (I guess if you’re short you have superhero fantasies.) He also bought that Terminator guy and displayed him in his house for years. 

Or his “decorating” style:


Old concert ticket stubs, LP covers, autographed posters, scores of rock, movie and pin-up memorabilia collected via eBay…. Is this a man cave or some 15-year-old’s rec room? 

What middle-aged man does all this stuff? One who’s never quite grown up. I could never quite bring myself to say, outright, “Grow Up!” because that would have set off a nasty row or he would dismiss me as “not a fun-loving person.” I don’t mind “young-at-heart” but I DO mind just plain young. Immaturity is NOT a turn-on.

Yes, dear ex-lover, we had some otherworldly sex and even some fun times together, but we are like oil and water: we don’t mix well. And nowhere is that more evident than in the choice of the woman you replaced me with. Is she the round peg? Highly doubtful. The only round thing she’s acquainted with is the bottom of an empty vodka bottle.

Farewell, ex-lover. We were never meant to be. 

And P.S., my final thought:  I hope your bladder cancer reappears and that you suffer a long, excruciating death, #LikeFatherLikeSon.


Categories: Uncategorized

Exit 4A

A former mistress (26 years, on-and-off) describes the good, the bad, and the ugly of her long-term affair. Conclusion: Affairs aren't necessarily destructive if kept in the correct perspective. Our experience enhanced BOTH our marriages.

That is, until his marriage ended and we began to love each other. When the affair morphed into a relationship, well, that's when it stopped being fun for me. We have now irrevocably split.

Lately I've been writing about the man who took his place in the "off" years of that 26-year-long affair. He was a dynamic sexual partner but we, too, now have irrevocably split.

These are our stories.

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