Menu Home

Hard Living

Wow. Kooky Girl’s alcoholism and penchant for criminal behavior (picture on right is a mugshot published online) has really wreaked havoc on her looks, don’t you think? I bet there’s not more than 20 years between these photos. She’s lived a hard life: retail theft, alcohol, multiple DUIs, caught while […]

Boy Toy Buh-Bye

I broke up with Boy Toy about this time last year. (Truth told, I broke up with him — or he with me — numerous times over the years.) On one of those breakups, in April 2017, I sent him this email to call it “quits.” I wanted it to […]

The Birthday Bash Bust

Ever have someone do something nice for you, but you felt like they’d gone “over the top?” It’s February 12, 2016 and Boy Toy invites me over to his apartment to celebrate both my birthday and Valentine’s Day since they are just a day apart. I shower, perfume myself, and […]

The Last Fucking Time

One year ago today, August 23, 2017, was the last time I fucked Boy Toy. And it will be the final time. No more — EVER. We went out with a whimper, not our usual “bang.” This is the way I’d marked it on my 2017 calendar: I remember the […]

Jelly Beans and Baccarat

We’ve all done some pretty stupid things when we were kids. But is a 23-year-old woman still a kid? Kooky Girl was working in the gift department of a Saks Fifth Avenue in the affluent Chicago suburb where she was raised when a male friend came in to visit. What […]

The Sugar Daddy

Must be nice to have a “Sugar Daddy.” She breaks the law (repeatedly) and he pays the bill.  Here he is paying for her most recent transgression,  driving on a suspended license owing to a previous DUI: QUESTION:  Why do men stay with women who use/abuse them? I’ll tell you […]

Dirty Little Secrets

I care about him. No, I don’t love him, don’t want him back, don’t want to fuck him, don’t particularly want to ever see him again. But something inside — maybe the on-and-off relationship we’ve had with each other since 2002, its meaning and longevity — still makes me care […]

Sex, Lies and Videotape

It is November 2006. Halfway through one of our many libidinous iterations. His then-girlfriend/housemate is out-of-town on business, so he invites me to have a Fuck Fest with him in his heated garage on one of his wave runners that has been put away for the winter. I think: This […]

BALLS!

It happened a couple of years ago, a crisp autumn day as I recall. We both played hooky from work and took advantage of “Free Admission Day” at Chicago’s Museum of Science and Industry (MSI). Seemed like a good opportunity to interject some much-lacking culture into our relationship. (I don’t […]

Find A Gym! PRONTO!

She calls me “ugly/whore/cunt” on her social media and in texts to me. So this post is expressly for her: My husband said you were “fat” but geez, Pudge, you are the walking definition of “Wide Load!” Quit blaming your thyroid, get to a gym, and DO SOME REAL WORK […]

The Vacation From Hell

A year ago this week, he and I were vacationing together in Puerto Rico. He told his girlfriend he was on a guys’ golf getaway; I told my spouse I was traveling alone. It still drives her batshit loony to this day that he — who had just started dating […]

The Ambush

Just after Thanksgiving, as the world was slipping into the season of giving, my ex-boyfriend and his current gal pal decided they would give my husband a “present:” they would try to break up my marriage by telling him about our affair. Except he left her to do the dirty work, lingering […]

Garbage In. Garbage Out.

He never quite “got it,” that being another man’s wife meant I couldn’t bring home those over-the-top sentimental cards, letters, bouquets of flowers, small gifts and trinkets he’d give me during our libidinous get-togethers. I thanked him for all the gestures knowing deep down their lifespan was measured.   Being […]

The Lawless Loser

The above is but one of several text messages she’s sent me calling me a “loser.” WHO CARES? Remember that old adage, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me?” Her words (and actions) bounce right off me without effect.  But let’s examine who the […]

Of Plates And Pebbles

When B. separated from his wife in August 2009 he quickly found and furnished a rental house to live in with two of their four kids who had not yet flown the coop. I lent him all sorts of household items including a set of white Cuisinart plates and serving […]

Unfathomable.

Two years past our break-up, I still don’t get it. Who sends a steak back to a restaurant’s kitchen hoping it returns overdone? Who kicks Charlize Theron out of bed? Who sells a Picasso because it didn’t quite match the living room sofa? You’d have to be insane, really. So B. […]

Our Bitchin’ Beach Bench

Gillson Park Dog Beach I’m sure Ms. Goldblatt would blush if she knew what B. and I did on “her” bench. One autumn night several years ago I drove the 30-odd miles from my home to a beach less than a half-mile from B.’s. “I need to decompress,” he told […]

He Loves Me. He Loves Me…Not?

An affair that spanned 26 years (off-and-on). And when it was on, he just could never bring himself to say those three little words.  Instead, it was couched in words like these…on Valentine’s Day, seven years ago: Is this just bad boyfriend behavior? Or someone who really, truly had no love […]

Love In Bloom

Blehart

B. loves daffodils and knew I did, too. In spring he’d occasionally surprise me with a bouquet of daffs, or perhaps a single, cheery bloom. The gesture always thrilled me, endeared me to him.  I made and sent him this electronic Valentine’s Day card not long ago. At least I […]

His Loss.

I’ve been thinking about loss. No, not the loss of my love affair with B. — Lord knows I’m over it and writing this blog has been cathartic in moving that process along. Nope, I’ve been thinking instead about HIS loss of me. Or losses I should say. B. lost so much […]

Do Relationships Have Expiration Dates?

YES! New Year’s Resolution #1 accomplished: clearing out my kitchen pantry of old foodstuffs!  Looking at the old canned goods I wondered: do relationships — even extramarital affairs spanning decades — have expiration dates?  Maybe our parting was destined to be. Maybe I didn’t take heed of the date stamp on […]